Uncensored Play-by-Play Of The 2011 Outback Bowl

Jan 3rd, 2011
By William Wallace
Author’s Twitter @WillWallaceSEC

This will be the first game to bet in 2011.  I like the Gators -7, but I’m all in on one of these coaches dying during the game.  It’s an exotic.

Even before the game starts, Tirico and Gruden twice say Paterno is “Sharp as ever.”  This is the ageist version of “He’s very well spoken”.

14:58 1st

Florida comes out in their all-white road uniforms.  Penn State comes out with their all-white football team.

The media is still confused as to why Kansas City Chiefs Offensive Coordinator Charlie Weis is leaving the NFL to take the same position at the college level.  I’m being told the hiring went something like this:

Will Muschamp:  “I know this is a long shot, I mean you are getting ready for the NFL playoffs and we’re getting ready for the Outback Bowl, so….

Charlie Weis:  “Let me stop you right there.  Did you say Outback Bowl?  That’s the place with the Bloomin’ Onion right?  I’m your man.  Outback Bowl! That sounds delicious.”

Muschamp:  “Boom!”

14:01 1st

John Brantley continues his quest to be the worst player in the history of college football with a terrible interception on his first pass attempts of the game.  In his defense, all his wide receivers apparently are also the QBs he’s competing with.  If they loaf a route, it just means more snaps behind center for them.

11:24 1st

Perfect weather in Tampa today.  72 and cloudless.  Sunburn likely will be factor for fair skinned Penn State late in the game.

Penn State capitalizes on the Brantley interception with a 6 yard TD Pass, Matthew McGloin to Derek Moye.

9:08 1st Penn State 7 Florida 0

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 4

7:45 1st

Florida goes 3 and out, which is a vast improvement from the last drive.

Joe Pa says the pirate ship in Tampa’s stadium reminds him of the boat he took to “The New World.”

6:25 1st

Florida Safety Ahmad Black picks off McGloin and returns it all the way to the Penn State 15.  If there is anyone who can turn such a great opportunity into zero points it’s Steve Addazio and this Florida offense.

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 7

5:12 1st

Never failing to disappoint, Florida’s 3rd string QB Trey Burton fumbles into the endzone.  Urban pulls into the lead in the death pool.  Easy money.

2:20 1st

Florida’s offensive coordinator Steve Addazio was recently named the new head coach at Temple.  After the season he had I’m shocked he’s getting that opportunity.  When I heard Addazio was being considered for the Temple job I assumed it meant he was going to be a janitor at a synagogue.

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 10

1:12 1st

Florida does what it does best, the old Mike Pouncey shotgun snap misfire for an 18 yard loss.   With erratic throws like that Pouncey might work himself into Florida’s QB rotation.

Penn State 7 Florida 0 End of the 1st

How in the hell does ABC not have a microphone on Joe Pa?  I would love to hear what he’s yelling at Assistant coach Mike McQueary.  That poor redheaded bastard is taking a verbal beating from the old man.

13:25 2nd

Matt McGloin throws his 2nd interception of the game.  It says he only threw 4 picks all season?  He might reach that mark before the half.

Florida starts the drive at Penn State’s 15.  Don’t be shocked if Florida punts from inside the redzone.

Omarius Hines takes a reverse 16 yards for a Touchdown.  Hey, Addazio, give this guy the ball more.  He’s built like a Navy Seal.

12:48 Penn State 7 Florida 7

ABC shows an interview of Paterno saying he hopes to come back next season.  Tirico comes back and says, “Paterno is sharp as ever.  He’s telling stories like he did 5-8 years ago.”  Is that even a compliment?

10:12 2nd

Freshman DT Sharrif Floyd blows through the line and destroys Penn State RB Silas Rudd for a 2 yard loss.  Gruden goes on to call him Sharrif Brown 3 times.  Gruden often mistakenly calls players by their first name and their skin color.  He also called Penn State QB Matt McGloin, Matt Insanely-Pale.

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 13

10:03 2nd  

Citrus Bowl Score update:  Alabama is up on Michigan State 21-0 halfway through the 2nd Qtr.  In a related story, Michigan State’s Mark Dantonio is the new leader in the Death Pool.  Sadly, I wouldn’t win money in that scenario.

6:48 2nd

Florida’s Ahmad Black is a stud.  He blasted Justin Brown, breaking up a sure thing 1st down.   He came up with a blood pouring out of his mouth.  Florida is already without starting CB’s Janoris Jenkins and Jeremy Brown.  If Black is out Florida is getting thin in the secondary.  I recommend moving Deonte Thompson over to defense in a pinch.  They say DB are receivers who can’t catch.  Thompson will be a natural.

Florida finally executes their best offensive play, the punt block for a TD.  The Gators have their first lead of the day.

5:48 Florida 14 Penn State 7

Penn State is picking on the depleted Florida secondary.  McGloin completes a 44 yard bomb to Derek Moye, and punch it in for a TD a play later.

Despite a pair of subpar offensive performances, we have a shootout brewing.

4:09 2nd Penn State 14 Florida 14

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 13

2:48 2nd

Tim Tebow’s signature play was a QB run on 3rd and short.  Brantley’s signature is a 3 and out, capped off with a 2 yard completion on 3rd and 10.

Meyer moves back in the Death Pool lead after Chas Henry’s 14 yard punt.  Meyer’s look to Henry reads, “Honestly, Chas, do you want my heart explode?”

After watching Joe Pa verbally abuse that Red Headed assistant coach, Penn State kicks a FG and takes back the lead.

:45 Penn State 17 Florida 14

Brantley rolls into a ball and takes a sack before half.

Half Penn State 17 Florida 14

My biggest regret of 2011 is missing Paterno’s interview with Suzy Kolber at the half.

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 24.  He’s having a huge 3rd Qtr.

10:48 3rd

Jordan Reed is getting all plays on this drive and the Gators are marching down the field.  Yet, after a penalty, the Gators face 3rd & 9, so Addazio brings in Brantley.  It’s a tough spot for Brantley, who throws a quick incompletion.  Even it if had been completed Hines would have been 7 yards short of the 1st down.  This is hard to watch.

Punter Chas Henry nails a 30 yard FG.  Florida ties it up.

9:09 Penn State 17 Florida 17

Florida Frankie Hammonds bobbles Alex Butterworth’s punt, causing Tirico to quip, “Hammonds gets butterfingers on Butterworth’s punt.”  Gruden simply responds, “Fag.”

6:47 3rd

Florida Punter Chas Henry goes rogue and apparently calls his own fake punt.  Urban’s  children corner Henry, saying, “So, you just want us to grow up without our father?  Is that your plan, Chas?”

4:50 3rd

Penn State runs a reverse to speedy Devon Smith for 19 yards.  This guy is SEC fast.  Hey, Joe Pa, give that guy the ball!

Matt McGloin runs it in for a TD.  He’s already showing signs of 3rd degree sunburn on his face and neck.

4:39 3rd Penn State 24 Florida 17

Florida’s going with Jordan Reed on 1st and 2nd down and Brantley on 3rd and long.  They are Lindsey Lohan screwed up.

Chas Henry tries to smooth things over with the Meyer family by drilling a 47 yard FG.

2:42 3rd Penn State 24 Florida 20

I haven’t seen Paterno roaming the sideline in a while.  He must be napping.

:59 3rd

McGloin is picked off for the 3rd time today.  His next will equal his regular season total.

Joe Pa sighting.  He’s laying into that giant red headed coach, the poor bastard.  They’re people, just like you and me, Joe!

End of the 3rd Penn State 24 Florida 20

Florida is quickly faced with a 4th and 2 from their own 17.   2nd string QB Jordan Reed converts on a 3 yard pass to 3rd string QB Trey Burton.

Florida capitalizes on a questionable pass interference call and Mike Gillislee punches it in from the 1 yard line.  Florida takes the lead back.

The sunburn factor is catching up with Penn State.

13:02 4th Florida 27 Penn State 24

Florida has the lead, but Meyer still is in the lead of the Death Pool.  Blood starts trickling out of his ear after an obvious Penn State fumble isn’t reviewed.  I’m browsing real estate on the North Shore of Oahu online.

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 32.

Jordan Reed has moments where he looks like Cam Newton.  He has more moments where he looks like John Brantley.

Reed and Omarius Hines lead Florida all the way down to the 2 yard line, but they only come away with a FG.  The drive burned a lot of clock, but Penn State is still a TD away from the lead.  Big stop for the Nittnay Lions.

7:32 4th Florida 30 Penn State 24

It’s a race to the grave for these coaches.  Meyer is looking terrible.  He is coaching hard, but this Florida team is very average and it’s killing him.  (Nobody saw that coming, right?)  On the other sideline it’s getting warmer and Joe Pa is getting cranky.  He’s ready to get back to the Happy Valley.  ABC is frequently showing the two in split-screen, hoping to catch the kill shot.  That’s ABC’s phrase, not mine.  I find it repulsive.

Give Joe Pa credit, he looks money in his cashmere polo sweater.  No chance I look that cool when I’m 96.

3:14 4th

Florida burns more clock, but Penn State is getting the ball back with a chance to win the game.

Chas Henry totally redeems himself with a 59 yard punt.  McGloin will have to go 79 yards with no timeouts if he wants to win this game.

1:48 4th

Evan Royster is fresh.  He busts off a run of 23 yards and then goes for 7 more, down to Florida’s 25.  Momentum is with the Nittnay Lions.

Momentum can be a funny thing.  Ahmad Black intercepts Matt McGloin and returns it 80 yards for a TD.  This game is over.  Ahmad Black was a monster today.

McGloin threw 4 interceptions in the regular season and 4 today.   I could make an SEC speed joke here, but Penn State has dominated the SEC in the past.  They don’t deserve that.

:55 Florida 37 Penn State 24

Random ABC Shots of Joe Pa aimlessly roaming the sidelines: 43.

:14 4th

Moses Jenkins steps in front of a Matt McGloin pass giving the Gators 5 interceptions on the day.  A fitting end.  Speed Kills.

Final Score Florida 37 Penn State 24

If you had a bet on Florida winning you’re already up in 2011.  If you are like me then you went all in on the exotic bet of a coach dying during the Outback Bowl.  The future doesn’t look bright for us.

See y’all at the BCS Championship Game.